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Big Fish Small Pond

Big Fish Small Pond

Thoughts as of 10/12/23

Someone made an offhanded comment about how I thrive being a big fish in a small pond, and after some more reflection, I realized this to be more of an accurate assessment than this individual could have realized. This post will be relatively short given there were a few examples that came to mind, but I felt the rabbit hole of thought warranted sharing and reflecting on a bit more deliberately.


As I have attempted to be more thoughtful about language, how I present myself in the world, and, perhaps to a fault, how I am perceived by others, there have been more and more moments like this where I can find something profound in simplicity. Perhaps the term profound is a bit of a stretch and self-aggrandizing, but nonetheless, there are these little turns of phrase that I think about a bit more deeply than I would have historically, and sometimes a small tweak in language or emphasis will cause me to rethink some of my default mind states.


My life has been divided up into several stages. As I have been on a bit of a biography kick lately, I started to think of what the chapters of my life would be titled, and where I would start and end them. With biographies, these are all done with the benefit of hindsight given you can really only connect the dots looking backwards. I like Annie Duke’s description of decision trees stemming from one branch that splits into multiple. When you look back, the past from the current set of decisions appears to be of a singular and direct origin; however, there are any number of different paths that could have happened (assuming free will and a non-deterministic viewpoint of course).


I think one distinct phase was the elementary through middle school years. Being tall, athletic, and decently intelligent, I was able to seemingly rise among the ranks and be well-liked (enough) by my peers, as well as do well in sports and school which helped, at least I think, make me a big fish in a small pond.


Moving on to high school and the various divisions of it, such as sports, academics, and other extracurriculars (honor societies, mission trips, student council, etc.) I was once again faced with a new pond. Although I was a pretty large fish (physically), this was a new environment and in fact, a multiple of my last pond, and I did not know any of these new fish, nor did they care about who I was prior to my arrival. A lot of work needed to be done.


I ended up able to check almost every box in high school. From homecoming king to valedictorian, to four straight years as class/school president, being a three-sport athlete, securing an offer to the best college in the country, to quite literally winning best all around, it was pretty evident that I had once again become a big fish, and my pond was growing small.


Now the daunting prospects of division one athletics at the number one university in the country. It would certainly be more difficult in this environment going up against some of the best of the best across sports and academics, but all things considered, I ended up doing decently well. There is an often repeated phrase I hear across some different media I have encountered which is work, family, scene - pick two.


In college, I felt that the best parallel is academics, sports, and social life - pick two. Through rising to become a starter on the football team my sophomore year, becoming a two-term president of one of the school’s eating clubs, and being at least towards the top few percent among my peer group academically (GPA-wise probably not, but in study groups or for general assistance definitely) I feel like I was able to get to a point where I once again felt that I was a pretty big fish, and the pond was getting smaller.


Even typing this out feels naive, and one of my biggest regrets leaving undergrad is not having leaned in a bit more than I did to all of the different opportunities and friend groups that were readily at my disposal. I think especially after the 5th year and all of the changes that had taken place among my friend groups, and especially on the personal front in terms of my mindset, I was definitely ready to move on to other things.


It is funny that it took someone pretty external to my life to be able to recognize this pattern even with far more limited information than what is shared above, but I find it to be true.


Perhaps now that I have graduated, I want to repeat this trend and find an environment in which I can start small and grow to be a big fish in whatever pond I happen to land in. In my current role, which I stumbled upon by sheer luck, there is not really a pond so to speak given that our team is so small and has a lot of turnover. There are a number of frustrations that I have had with this job (which I have expressed openly with my boss) mostly surrounding the lack of structure and direction while at the same time having high demands on time and output.


It is certainly not intuitive to find a pathway to go from where I am to where I would like to be, and perhaps that is a reason that there has been this growing tension over time. I do not know if this formula is necessarily good or bad, or if it is beneficial for me to be thrown into a system that I am so unaccustomed to, but in thinking about the tangentially related ideas to the subject of this post, I do know that thus far this approach to figuring out a system and climbing the ranks has gotten me to where I am.


Not in a humble or self-deprecating way, I really believe that I have not done anything of merit in the actual real world yet. This is because I have not been, as Teddy Roosevelt would say, “in the arena.” Sure some of the accolades I have stumbled my way into over the years may seem externally like marks of success, but I do not really see it that way. I have been blessed tremendously in the circumstances of my birth that I can’t even take the time to elucidate them all individually. The fact that I am where I am today, again, which I do not regard as much, seems like the bare minimum.


Perhaps it is a function of my recent biography kick learning about the greatness of several people throughout history, and even some living legends across domains, but I feel that I am destined for more. I don’t know what exactly more looks like, nor where it will lead me, and I suppose everyone may have these feelings deep down.


I guess the bottom line is that I like the journey from small and insignificant minnow to big fish that is impossible to miss, and now that the boundaries or domains of my life are less explicitly defined, I need to figure out what ponds I am currently in, and where to put my energy in to grow

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